I happened to be doing a small bit of cleaning (rain made it kinda hard to get to catapult safety training) and came across some of the more amusing quotes/notes from my D&D days... at least as far as my memory and notes can be reconstructed :)
DM: The mayor of the town looks rather upset and he's surrounded by guards.
Tindariel: I shoot him in the butt and shout "Frontier justice!"
[The party is trying to investigate what's going on with the mayor of the town (same guy that someone attempted to "Frontier justice".]
Casi: We want to know if they mayor's here.
DM (as this demon we're chasing): No, he's not here. [Closes the door]
Tindariel: Hey, let's come in on official business and send the mage and the whiny fighter guy in. [Knocks on door] Hey, we're here on official business with the mayor...
[The party just captured one of the mysterious toga-clad elves to figure out what's going on with the random attacks on the town.]
Barbarian: He's not responding to my threats [after rolling a 1 on intimidate]
Catnip (sorceress): I cast mage hand and use it to squeeze the prisoner's (censored).
DM (as prisoner): Owwwww!
Barbarian, Rogue, Druid: [collective doubling over and clutching themselves in pain]
Blip (serious glutton of a gnome illusionist): [passing a note that reads: I cast shocking grasp and shake hands with the high priest]
DM: [groans] The high priest suddenly gets furious and shouts at the party.
Drow Mage: Oh crap. [Stuffs food in Blip's mouth]
Tindariel: I build myself a banjo and go to the tavern where I do my best Eminem inpersonation while playing the banjo.
Sunflower (crazed, enimatic druid filling in for Catnip): I polymorph into a fly and hide in her banjo. When she sounds really bad, I'm gonna jump out and turn into Eminem.
DM: [chokes from laughter]
Tindariel: I want to bring back a friend who's been banished. His name's Zavon, scrawny pathetic wuss of a half-elf... [she's unaware of his demonic nature]
DM: The wizards look at you and say "Are you sure?"
Tindariel: Yeah. He's a friend. We're trying to beat up on some devils!
DM (as one of the wizards): Are you really sure? He's going to kill you if we do it!
Tindariel: Hah, I'd frontier justice his butt before he could do it. Plus he's harmless.
DM: You overhear a wizard commenting on how Tindariel must be desperate for attention. The paladins also mutter about how Tindariel must be demon-posessed.
[PC1 inadvertently drank some spiked punch at a school party. Best way to describe his attire is to imagine Arsenium or O-Zone in their music videos.]
PC1: Hmm, I'm gonna sneak behind the DJ and replace his awful hip-hop and rap CDs with some country and Chinese opera before I go up and sing of my undying love for the most popular girl at school.
PC2: Oh crap, I deny knowing that idiot.
DM: Suddenly the entire room full of people look at you in disgust. All of the girls run out in terror and all of the boys decide to dogpile on the nerdy little dork. The next day, a newspaper article about the ugly little nerd messing up the party gets published.
DM (as a cop-like character): What are you doing out past curfew in the graveyard?
PC1: Uhh, I'm doing an experiment on mosquito population dynamics.
DM (still as cop): Well, don't get bitten too hard.
[PC1 was really investigating this cult and has a habit of insulting the cop-like character.]
DM: You find several little bags of white powder in the dressing room.
PC1: I'll take some of these bags to analyze the contents.
PC2: [busy rummaging through clothing] I didn't know they played with that stuff.
PC1: I'm gonna sniff it to see if I can identify the stuff.
DM: [laughing] Suddenly you feel really hyper and high. You hear the little salt-creature sighing at you.
Sidney: I'm gonna hang around the big fat dumb guy and the mage and wait for the mage to die. [said mage had a severe cough and was usually either coughing up blood] If the big fat dumb guy keeps bothering me, could someone help me get rid of him?
[Let's just say Sidney was very disappointed about waiting for the mage to die]
Bard Girl: I'm gonna read the book that the cultist handed to me.
Solron: No!!!
DM: As you read the book, you suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to preach the words to everyone else. Roll a Will Save [Bard Girl fumbles big-time]
[later in the adventure]
DM (as townsperson): The dragon's here!
Bard Girl: [preaches to dragon... content left out due to severely offensive content]
Solron, Sydney, and the two NPCs (they lost the big dumb guy in an earlier battle to save a village from giant were-parakeets) are beating up on the dragon before Solron decides to make the dragon fall to its death.
Bard Girl: [still preaching]
DM: The brass dragon suddenly writhes in pain and falls from the wall right on top of Bard Girl, who also gets nailed with a lightning bolt from Baelnorn (sickly mage) and all of your attacks also hit Bard Girl.
Bard Girl (out of character): You killed Kenny! [Bard Girl had asked for a South Park-style death and everyone's dice roll just fit in perfectly by sheer random luck]
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