I attempted to force myself to sleep a lot earlier so I can not only be up in time for my early morning modelling class, but also be alert throughout the day without the use of coffee (80-100 extra calories from what I add to keep the acid in my stomach from making me miserable) because I'll be stuck in meetings. And then it began.
I was writing up some findings on a coupled artificial neural network-based model for evapotranspiration and carbon fluxes for loblolly and longleaf pine forests. I was already growing restless, having worked 16-18 hour days on this project for several weeks, even months, at a time to stay ahead of my competitors and to keep up with deadlines. And one day, I heeded the call deep inside of me to breathe fresh air once more. I was gone for perhaps an hour just to make sure I didn't lose my feet to gangrene and then I received notification that because I took a break when nobody else did, I lost all of my fellowships and grants. I was also banished from the program and stripped of all my dignity and forced to work in trades that involved nurturing humans in the hell-hole of the city with not even a chance of return to academia or even time in the wilderness. Had I lasted another ten years without a single break, I would have been allowed to return to the wild to hunt again and to be with my own kind -- archers, hunters, wilderness-folk, nerds. But unfortunately I failed by taking a break and not allowing my research to be the only priority in my life. Thus there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as I was stripped of the only thing I had left -- my research, all for a want of a bit of time to clear my mind.
My heart is still racing, I'm running a fever, everything hurts, and I feel really weak, kinda like after donating blood after fasting for a day. But I don't care anymore. I need to keep pushing forward. There is no rest anymore and I don't know if I'll ever earn rest again.
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